Monday, November 22, 2010

Nocturnal Behaviour part 49: Survive, Defend yourself, Betrayed!, Kill or get killed, Cruel Revenge, Remember the things you don't want to remember.

I slip in and out of the dream and the consiousnes that switch between the reality, and the worlds of the dream. I breathe. I realise, how I squirm in the reality when bad things happen to me in the dream..

1. Survive.

Postapocalyptic world. Only few have survived the fierce viral infectionepidemics that spread worldwide. It's dark already, and I'm one of those who survived and fight to stay alive. I've been behind that factory quite long now, it is somewhat safe there. There's only five workers running the factory. They don't ever see me, as I'm just a part of the shadows, and I don't want to be seen by other people. The scarse few are dangerous these days, a part of them infested by the diseases, some of them have become very violent after surviving that one disease, some of them reduced to only ruins of themselves. There is nothing else than this surviving. I don't think, I don't feel. I look at the sky going dark and it seems wierd, too dark and still too colorfull. If I would still think, I would be bothered by it.
I close my eyes and sleep.

2. Defend yourself.

It's bright already when I wake up. There are enormous amounts of cats, they survived, unlike many humans. They've become wild without the humans, likewise as the humans have.

The gravelpiles behind the factory were a good place to hide, even if the place was crawling with cats. They had surrounded me while I was sleeping, getting ready to attack. One by one they sneaked closer but I was ready. Things like this happened all the time, after all.
They attacked, crying as they came and I hissed and cried back like a cat, throwing them around. I didn't understand it like that, I had no recollection of me being a human. I only survived.
Finally the cats gave up, understanding that this big mammalian had taken a part of their territory, letting them be around there if they didn't bother the being.

I jumped on a cardboard littered flatbead of a truck to sleep after the battle, thinking it was a nicer place to lie down, as it was much softer. The factory is rather silent today, there was only one machine moving the gravel to other piles in the distance. I crawl halfway to the boxes and start to sleep again.

3. Betrayed!

Dream within a dream. I feel like I'm being watched. A shadow covers the sun for a moment and I roll over and drift further into the dream.

I wake up to someone pulling me.
"Wake up, girl!" Someone is pulling me by my shoulder and I cry out like a cat, jumping backwards, hissing, half in a dream still. People in the room are staring at me and I stare back at them.
"She's gone mad!" Someone says. For my own surprise I realise I understand what they are saying and slowly come to the understandment that I'm like them too, a human being. The trauma made me forget, and for a while, there was only surviving. I slowly rise up and the others look suspicious.
"No.. I'm.. fine.." Speaking feels utterly strange. The words are mushed and hard to vocalize. Something flutters in the edges of my memory, but I can't get a hold of it, the present moment is so much more important now. I understand I've been betrayed, that I've been taken somewhere. I don't know why.
One wall of the room is made of mirrorglass and as I see my own reflection I startle at it. My clothes are reduced to rags and my hair has tangled into dreadlocks. There's a terrible wound in my face, it travels from the edge of my hairline to the inner corner of my left eye, down the cheek to my chin. I can't remember how I got it. It's a bit infected, red and nasty looking and I haven't felt the pain at all in a long time.
I try to inspect it a bit from the mirror and snarl at the sight. All the others look horrified. They aren't exactly clean themselves either, but much better off than me.
"You must have had it rough." One of the older ladies says and I stare at her vacantly. One man rolls his eyes.
"We've all had it rough." Everybody else nods. The idea of being sorry for someone is utterly strange to me. I just look at them and nod myself, and go back to trying to fix my hair a bit.
"Does anyone remember how they got here?" Nobody does. People look scared. Suddenly the door at the back of the room opens and a corridor shining in bright light appears, it looks inviting. No one moves, until we hear a voice speaking through a speaker in the cealing.
"Move away from the room. Clear the place in one day and survive. There will be only one winner."
The older lady starts to cry and the others keep their faces without any expression. This one man grabs the lady from the head and twists and a loud crack comes out of her neck and the people start rushing to the corridor. I sneak after them, making myself invisible, as the senses of the "cat" click on again.
I remember that the other people are to be avoided. This cruel world has invented cruel entertainments for the ones who have the power.

4. Kill or get killed.

One day has almost passed. I know that the sole survivor with me, is the man who killed the old lady right at the beginning. I've been playing cunningly, I haven't had to kill anyone just yet, I've been sneaking as a cat in the shadows, observing how the others have battled and died. I know that playing this smart and cunning will carry me to victory, surviving is important to me, I do it carefully, not with brute force like that man.
He's standing right below me, ready to step into the last room. I'm crouching over the metalstructures that run over the corridor. He isn't even using his basic senses to know that I'm that close. He steps in, looking confident enough to take on the whole world.
Two minutes and the screams and the sounds of a fight start. As I thought, there's always the last opponent. Someone, who really knows how to fight. The screams of the man would be heartbraking if I would think of it that way. Finally they die off.
"Heidi *******, you have survived to the last stand, you can't turn away from a battle anymore."
I think they mean me with that name, alltho I have no recollection of being named anything. All I know, is that I havent been running from any battles, I've saved my strenght, and chosen my battle well.
I come down and sneak closer to the entrance.

5. Cruel revenge.

There's a small wall between the larger space and the entrance. I can smell blood in the air, and the heavy heed fills the space. There's been more fights, than the last one. Cruel entertainments, and all that.. I know I can't win this fight with sneaking around. I have a brutal 101 before me. I take a breathe and step on the scene.
The scene has been painted with rusty red. Blood spatters cover the walls, the floor, the roof. I look at the huge thing that stands in the middle of this sight. Its diseasetorn face tells of the insanity, that has been left after the infection has eaten up its brains. Its huffing and puffing from exitement, it probably is picturing my innerds as its necklace in a moments time. I know I can't best that thing in force, but in cunning I'll beat it coming and going.
The thing launches itself after me, and it feels like the whole room is shaking under its weight. I slide under it as it tries to pull me into a deadly embrace with its meaty fists, and I pull the torn frazzle of it's pants and trip it over. It falls over with a huge crush and I wrap the piece of fabric over its ankles, and swiftly slide away from its arms reach.
It gets up and tries to lunge at me, but falls again, for the trap I placed on its ankles. I claw at its eyes and move away from its reach. Now it is really angry, blood running down its face and has a surprised look on its face.
I know, this is going to be a long fight.
As I dance the dance of death with the monster, something sparks inside me, a frantic need, a bloodred rage for the whole situation, as the understanding comes back to me slowly, even when I'm using my survivor instincts.
At last I've managed to lure the monsterman to the back of the room, at the glasscovered wall, and I've wrapped its limbs in the frazzles of its clothes. The monster is defenseless.
I quickly scavenge over the room for other pieces od fabric and tie the monsterman to the ironbars that jut out the floor like broken teeth. I can see the rich and the priviledged, that are watching the show only meters away from us, from a lighted room. They are clean and elegant and clearly shocked that I have tied the monster up, the monster no one else has won before.
A fierce bruning of rage still ravages me and my ears are ringing from the monstermans frustated howls, and the adrenaline still burns my veins like acid as I watch the true monsters of this game from the windows.
An idea wakes in my mind, an idea that I might find terrible if I could understand it better. I grab a piece of fabric and shut the monsters mouth with it and tear its pants away. The priviledged swarm to the window, trying to see as much as they can.
I fuck the monster with mindless intensity, ripping it with my nails and teeth, mad with lust and rage. I don't see or feel anything than this insane anger and need and want to rip everything to pieces. As the orgasm bursts inside me I drop down to the floor from the lap of the monster and brake the window with my fist. I grab a shard of the windowglas with my bloody hand and cut the penis of the monster with it, throwing it towards the watchers.
I hear the screaming crowd muffled and silenced, I think I'm screaming too.
Something hits me and I loose my consiousness.

6. Remember the things you don't want to remember.

I wake to a greying sunshine. Someone is pulling my shoulder and I jump awake, no, not a new game, not anymore.
Slowly my sight begins to work and I understand I'm watching a middle-aged man, who is wearing worn, but rather neat clothes.
"No worries.. I was only trying to wake you up."
I inspect myself franticly. The blood has been washed away, as the dirt. I've been clad in worn but good clothes. The man is watching me, looking a little sad. He looks frighteningly friendly, but a bit tired.
"Where.. am I?" I mutter, twisting my dress in distress. I remember what I did to that monster and I feel like throwing up. I realise there are more people around us. In samekind, little worn clothes, looking nice and friendly. They all look a bit lost and tired.
We are on some big buildings parking space, under a shelter. In the parkinglot are three dirty busses, that are being loaded with stuff. I understand the building is an old supermarket. The sky looks misty.
"Are you alright?" The middle-aged man approaches me and touches my hand. I startle at his touch and he only grabs me harder, and squeezes my hand encouragingly. He smiles sadly as I try to pry my hand off his grasp.
"I hope you wouldn't be so afraid of me. After all, we are now married."
I stare at him with my mouth ajar and start to shake. I can't understand anything. I glance around and see my reflection from the window of the supermarket. Someone has attended to my wound and its not infected anymore so badly. It has closed up a bit, but its still very red. I touch my face with my free hand. "I think you are still very beautiful, Heidi." The man says, petting my hair with his other hand.
I try to stutter a question at him when a man in military uniform approaches us from the busses. He is holding a pile of papers and a pen. He looks very harsh.
"Resettlementprogram number 14, group 5, ready to team up to the transport vehicles.." The militaryman starts to call out names and people start to line up in pairs towards the busses. The man calls out my name and appareantly my husbands name and he picks me up carefully. I tremble on my feet and feel nausiated.
The memories start to come back to my, slowly and painfully. When I got attacked by that woman, that the disease had turned into a monster on that street when I was looking for something. That is how I got the wound in my face, alltho I killed that monster. That is when I loosed myself and started to survive. I remembered the game, the monster, the fight, the days with the wild cats, and how the suitmen took me from there, to the game. I remember how they shot me with a tranquilizing dart after I won. I had hazy recollections of me being carried on a strecher in a hospital-like place, washed, my wounds treated, vaccinated, inspected and how they tried to make me talk but I was too shocked.
Then I remember him. The doctor that was reading my file.
"Patient number 4761. Female, white. Name, Heidi *******, age 29. One child, Kristian ********, male, 5 years, missing.. "
I start to shake uncontrollably and something wet runs down my face. The man who is holding me tries to ask me whats wrong. I start to fight against him violently. I scream without words and try to get loose.
"KRISTIAN!!! KRISTIAN!!!" I shout over and over and my voice cracks and I still shout. Feels like my body is full of huge shards of glass, ripping, tearing. The man holds me silently, he looks so sad. I try to get loose but he is so strong.
I was looking for Kristian. After the first explosions, when everything was just confusing. Cause I couldn't find him anywhere. And then I forgot, traumatized by everything, and started to survive.
Kristian was still missing. He was only five years old. Could he have survived in a world like this? Could he? I had to find him, I had to.
"KRISTIAN!!!! KRISTIAN!!!!" I was screaming insanely and crying but the man wont let me go. The military man watches me angrily but doesn't say anything. We've all lost so much. One more, who has lost something isn't anything new. Nobody tells me to shut it and I cry in pain, trying to get loose, but they wont let me.
Finally the man tries to calm me down, petting my hair.
"Calm down Heidi, think of our unborn child, try to calm down, please."
I stare at him mouth open, tears running. The wound across my face is burning with the salt in my tears.
I stare to the horizon blankly, whimpering silently. The pain of the loss is too much. I don't want another child. I want Kristian, my son, my beloved son.
And it ain't that mans child, it's concieved by that monster.

I wake up.

Monday, November 08, 2010

Nocturnal Behaviour part 48; Pieces of a Puzzle

Bits and pieces here and there. Disappearing images, shades of feeling, grey and mist-like, like flashes in the light of a strobolight.
Faces, that change into another when you glance somewhere else.

We are walking down an old forestroad. There's grass growing at the middle of it already. Next to us flows a rushing river. You're telling a story of the people who once lived in the forest, of a village at the peninsula, how it was abandoned a long time ago. Only ghosts walk there on the cliffs now.

The sound of the water covers the rustle of the leafes in the violent wind. I know that the village starts at the end of the road that is snaking upwards the hills and that there's only unlife there. It's a big mistake to take another step, yet I can't hold myself, curiosity driving me ahead.

Wind grabs my hair and pulls me out of this consiousness. I drift like a meaningless mote in the space that holds nothing, and yet holds everything.

The house has been painted invisible. Inside it lives only ghosts, whispers, unspeakable horrors. Forgotten things from the borders of the worlds. Even going near that house raises cold creeps on my skin. I can't go inside that house, but I'm being driven like cattle. I don't want to go. I don't want to go. I don't want to open the door. I can't step over the threshold, and I'm picked up and put in the middle of those horrors.

I'm rolling restlessly from another thought to another, I realise I'm awake, and that someone is breathing next to me and that his hand is right next to my side. I slip back into the misty world of the dream.

We're children again, running down that hill. They are chasing us again, and I know we are in a hurry, we have to get away, that they can't see us in this place. It's too late already, they are shouting behind us. We run faster. You trip over in the slope.

We are walking along a gravelly road. It's middlesummer, hot and heedy. We had plans. Thoughts and all kinds of wishes. We were planning on doing it tonight, and I can't remember who told me about that show. That you can't watch it without going mad and that the ghosts will come and take you and make you one of them. You are squeezing the videotape in your small, sweaty hand and we circle around the hills to home.

I open the door and I know that the portal to another world has already opened. The possibility has been made true and soon sun will set down and this place will fill with them. Fear is electricity on our skin and everyone feels it. Someone is arguing that we can't watch it in this kind of house, that it aint possible. I'm laughing, and it sounds like crying, and I say that we are going to do it tonight. We aint backing up.

The walls crack, I am black and white picture, a cartoon slavering in the strawberryfields and a mouse is going to eat me alive and I kill my boss with a rake and a newsreader in the old, rattling tv says that this kind of program can't be shown to public, the wallpapers start to roll down by themselves, revealing the faces of people who have once died. I am dust, I am electrified picture and a piece of information traveling through a cabble and I explode in the picture tube and sit on the floor, mouth ajar, not realising that this all is happening during just one second and it's frying my brain.

I roll over, he is screaming mildly like he would be seeing my nightmare, where I am a prisoner and I moan too, even when I know I'm awake. My hip is on fire and there's a constant pain in my back. I seek a better position and slip back in.

I'm sitting on the floor and my friends are sitting so silently, like they're afraid. I realise I'm afraid too. I realise slowly that the wallpapers are faded and half molded. The floor creaks and the roof rattles. Motheaten curtains move ghostlike in the drift that sneakes throught the windows. Tv across the room is older than I remembered. I can't shut my eyes, altho I know I should. I'm afraid to look. Terrified. It's going to make us mad and when the sun sets, the portal opens all the way and we will be gone. The film is only making us ready for that, it isn't meant for the eyes of a human, not for the eyes of a child.
I can't stop watching.

It can't be described, it's only ideas. Satanistic, unspeakable evil as images that you can't turn away from and they sink into my mind like acid. Someone is screaming and I can't make out who it is. The only thing I see, are those pictures, so the screamer might as well be me, or then some other of the children.

Only one sane thought passes through my mind.
Why did I want to open the Pandora's box?